So, I got this new cake pan a few weeks before Halloween. It was a 3D skull head and totally cool. I was excited because I really wanted to take something to the Halloween party we were going to.

If you'll remember, I am not a baker.

I did a trial run with the cake pan before the big day because my baking skills are more than questionable. This is how that trial run turned out.




Glorious, isn't it?

Who knew that reading the directions for a cake pan would be vital.

So, staring at the horrid mess of a cake that I had made, I threw one of my "I am not a baker" fits. My husband and sister-in-law can attest to my tantrum. What can I say? I get really friggin' frustrated when I can't get something to look like it was professionally done. Let me also say that the party we were going to was being thrown by my brother-in-law and his wife, who is the best frackin' cook. Seriously, anything that chick cooks makes you want to eat until you are uncomfortably full.

With the party date looming and my cake disaster in the trash, I pushed it out of my mind.

Cut to: day of party.

I baked the cake and let it cool for several hours. I followed the directions and cut it just right. All seemed well.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Never think that all is well while I am at the wheel of the bakery.

My biggest mistake that day was watching several hours of Cake Boss. It's one of my favorite reality shows. Dammit, it gave me some mighty big false confidence. After watching those gorgeous masterpiece cakes being made, you begin to think things like, "That's not so hard."

Soon you're thinking, "I can totally do that!"

Then, "I will do that!"

Before you know it, you're so overcome with confidence, "I'm going to make the best cake there ever was! They'll give me my own cake making reality show! The party will stop and people will part while a glittery light shines down on the cake as I enter the room with it!"

Massive overconfidence.

So, this is what I'm working with as I enter the kitchen to decorate the cake.

This was a mistake.

It's already sliding apart a little bit. I smoosh it back up and go to ice it.

Fail.

Enter 0007, the man that can do absolutely anything.

And, as if he had nothing else to do that afternoon, he starts going to work on decorating and fixing the cake.

I feel useless. But, the light bulb over my head dings. Since I'm still running on a bit of a high from all the Cake Boss episodes, I instantly acknowledge my brilliance and start crushing cookies to spread around the skull head. You know, to look like dirt.

The cookies aren't crushing very well so 0007 suggests I use the blender. Brilliant!

Throw some cookies in the blender and then I spy the leftover cake chunks. Chocolate cake plus light brown cookies makes for more variation in the color of the dirt, right? Sure! Cake Boss would totally crumble that cake up with the cookies!

Once in the blender, the super moist cake (it probably even said that on the damn box of mix), begins to make a nice mush blending with the cookie crumbs. No matter how much I blend, how many cookies I add, it just gets mushier.

But, I'm confident. I'm Cake Boss, dammit!

So, I'm violently shaking the blender in between pulses to get the stuff to move around and chop up the cookies better.

Pulse pulse. Shake shake shake.

Pulse pulse. Shake shake shake.

Pulse pulse. Shake shake "FUCK!"

Of course the top flew off.

Cookie and cake mush/crumbs EVERYWHERE.

I slammed the blender down on the counter, looked at the amused eyes of my actual Cake Boss husband and stormed out to the backporch. Slamming the door behind me for good measure.

I am not Cake Boss.

By the time I came back in, 0007 was more than amused. I may have realized that it was funny and choked back a giggle or two but, I was still so pissed.

Not quite as bad as my other traumas in the kitchen but, infuriating just the same.

And the cake?

0007, the man who can annoyingly do any freakin' thing he tries to do, finished it. It looked effin' amazing. He got the glittery light and oohs and ahhs at the party. It's cool though. I realize my inability now and will not let Cake Boss or any other reality show delude me into thinking that sweets are my foray. I make damn good dinners, sides and appetizers. I don't need to be a baker.




The cake did turn out really cool though. It's a good thing I married an artist. Otherwise, the party probably would have gotten a half falling in skull head with a blender smashed through the middle of it.

I'm afraid I'll never have a job at Carlo's Bakery.